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Where have I been?   
10:09pm 06/07/2004
 
mood: crushed
It's over. Everything is turning into shit. I've changed, life has changed, they've changed, but most importantly...You've changed. Not only have you changed...but you've changed my perspective on everything. What are you turning into? I know you...You're not YOU! You don't see it. You leave without a trace...No word from you. No words for days, weeks...And I bet it could lead into months...or even years. Why has this become? I wish things were like they used to be. Where are you? My life is falling apart. My psychotic father has gone completly out of control. Although I hate to admit it, His words break me down. They leave me cold, bruzed, scarred. The fact that he's already placed his hand on my mother makes it even worse. I haven't mentioned this to anyone yet. But now you all know. My mother is going to divorce him. I can't wait...to finally breathe! I need someone. I need to love. I need to be loved.
 
     

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Where do I begin?   
10:52pm 08/06/2004
 
mood: groggy
I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and no one can hear me! I can't even explain how I'm feeling. Immensly overwhelmed by the conclusion of my childhood. This is it. As much as I hated to admit to my mother that I was a "Child", I really am. We all are. But not for long. Everything will be over in just about 2 weeks or so. Remenising of all our inside jokes, marching onto the field, stuffing our faces with nasty cafeteria food, making fun of all the people that passed by "The Wall", such as, Fat Eye-Brow Girl, Kanga and Miss Beautiful. Dreading our first period class. I'm going to miss everyone that has made a difference. Even though graduation hasn't arrived, it feels as if I've already parted ways with everyone, one person in particular I'm so alone in this world. I want to be in love...but no one obvioulsly wants to love me in that special way. I'm so tired...Pyshically and especially emotionally. I don't know what to think. I miss her more than anything. Maybe it's me, maybe it's not. Brief phone calls...leaving me so upset. Asking what I did wrong. I'm sure I don't compare to "The Others" I'm sure that they're much funnier than me...and like to do crazier things..but, that's just not me. I'm still that fat boy in the 9th grade. Gosh, I wish I could erase my past. Well, some things. Coming home, hoping to see your name on the caller ID. I'm going to go.
 
     

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I'm so Tired!   
11:24am 29/05/2004
 
mood: tired
You won't believe how much I've been doing lately. Okay...Let me start off by telling you how my week has been. On Tuesday I went for training at some Vons by Mission Hills. I was there for 6 hours. I had Wednesday off. I still went to College to register for classes, placement test, financial aid, Cal Grant, etc..But, Wednesday night I couldn't sleep for shit, I fell asleep at 2:30 a.m. I woke up at 4:45 a.m. the next morning because of work, I worked at the Vons up here in Tujunga. From 6a.m.-3p.m. Then I got my hair cut right after that. I got home around 8:p.m. Again, couldn't sleep that nite either. Had to wake up friday morning at 4:45a.m., again! Worked from 6:a.m.-2:30p.m...I went home, took a shower, went to Miguel's...I went to Miguel's house because Mark, my instructor from BK, is asking me to march Impulse Drum Corps. They need me. I was guaranteed a spot, without auditions, and guaranteed a primary weapon spot on top of that. Which means that I'll be in the front of the field most of the time...getting all of the attention. Well, It's true!. Anywho. I was supposed to go last nite at 8:pm and come back home at 2:a.m. But...not this weekend, because this weekend, I have another 8-9 hour shift! again. Both Saturday and Sunday. Which means that I have to learn all of my routine in one day. Last nite, *sigh* the best sleep ever! fell asleep at 11:p.m. and woke up at 11:a.m.! Woo-Hoo!. Today, Sat, I go in at 1:pm-10:p.m. that sucks ass! there goes all of my Saturday! and on Sunday I go in at 10:a.m. and get out at 7:p.m. I was supposed to work a 4 hour shift on Sunday, but Tamara, my boss, fired some lady and asked if I could cover for her shift, stupid me...I said, "sure!" Whatever. I get payed on Friday! and FAT check too! Yay. I'm going to load up on some "Bom-Vo's", Hah, Stef?!? Anywho. I'll TTYL! love you guys!
 
     

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I Miss.......   
06:04pm 21/05/2004
 
mood: rejected
On May 21st, 2001, Three years ago today, My Aunt Teresa was murdered by her Ex-Husband. I didn't find out until the very next morning at 4:00 a.m. It was one of the biggest shocks of my life. She was a very special woman, with intentions only good. She didn't deserve to die. I Miss her. Her Ex-Husband, The Son of a BITCH!, Samuel Duran can burn in hell! She showed absolutley no remorse for her or her children. I want to tell everyone out there to cherish every moment you have with your loved ones, because you never know when tradgedy strikes. I love you all. Have a nice Day...(P.S.) "Fly Away" by Poe is a great song, highly recommended!!! get it. I'm sure you'll like it.
 
     

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Am I Breathing?   
12:03am 17/05/2004
 
mood: frustrated
The night is so lonely. Not a sound in the midst. Things don't seem to be going the way they do. Cold chills running up and down my spine...yet sweating as if standing by the gates of hell. Excuse me, I just Hallucinated. Why does it feel like I have absolutley no soul? My body, so frail. Pysically and emotionally drained. I can't even think right now; It's inexplicable.

Once in a house on a hill a boy got angry,
He broke into my heart.
For a day and a night,
I stayed beside him...until I had no home.
So I came down the hill,
Of course I was hurt...but then I started to think.
It shouldn't hurt me to be free,
It's what I really need; to pull myself together,
But if it's so good being free,
then why were you telling me,
That I don't know what to do with myself?
There's a park by the dock,
Where I found myself drinking with a man
He offered me a ciggarette.
And I accepted, cuz it's been a very long time.
As it burned to the end,
I thought of the boy...that no one could ever forget.
 
     

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I'm still a Boy!   
12:50am 14/05/2004
 
mood: dirty
I might have enjoyed playing dress up...
I might have enjoyed playing with dolls...
But, I'm still a Boy!

I might have played more with the girls...
I might have kissed boys in pre-school...
But, I'm still a Boy!

Why can't you see?...
There's nothing wrong with loving differently...

I'm still a Boy...
I'm still Human...
I still have feelings...
I still have a heart...
It beats the same as everyone elses...
It still breaks...

I'm still a Boy.
 
     

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~*Prom Night*~   
02:16am 10/05/2004
 
mood: blank
"OMG, tonite is prom, I'm so excited"...NOT REALLY! I didn't go to my Prom for many reasons. I hated High School...I know, I know...the friends were the best part of this journey! I thank them for it. We've made tons of memories, over the dumbest shit. Especially Stephanie, I've known her since the VERY FIRST DAY! But many people made High school a living hell. I knew that I wouldn't of had a good time. It would bring back too many memories. I didn't want to cry. I'll save that for Graduation. I hate IgNoRaNt people. I had a dream a while back that I ran for Prom King...or shall I say Prom Queen. JK. Anywho. That when I went up on stage a group of guys shouted "FAG", "QUEER", "HOMO". Stop! No one knows how much that killed me in high school. Pain and animosity compiling inside me. I never told anyone about this. Not even my closest friends. There were times when I'd walk down the halls and I'd hear someone say "Fag" What could I have done? Only suck it up. I'm over that. I've moved on. Which is why I graduated early. I couldn't go through that anymore. To wake up every morning wondering if you'll be tormented. I don't want to dwell on the past. I loved some parts of high school...Marching Band! LMAO...the best time of my life! I made such great friends, all unique in different ways. I can relate to Mario a lot. He didn't go to prom either. Our views on high school are just about the same. "The Wall" was another reason. The one place where I could be myself...With Stephanie, Miguel, Tamina...after we were all kicked out of band/colorguard--Lopez reffering to us as the "Ghetto, Loud-Mouth, Bitchy, Flaky Members". Crazy bunch! "The Diva's" I remember. We still live up to that name...except Tamina. Aww, I can't believe how I kept up that 4.0 even though Stef, Miguel Tamina and I would ditch every single morning to go to Michelle Blood's house...With Mrs. Herkey! Can you believe that? Geez, we knew the security guards...they wouldn't care either. What else?...Um...Being a smart ass in class. Could never keep my mouth shut. After school walks with Stephanie. Discussing the dumbest shit. As much as I love all of my friends, Gipple, Luisana, Joe, Fatone, Miguel, Tamina, Maryjes, Kirsten, etc...No one could quite measure up to Stephanie. High School would NOT have been the same without her. I owe a lot to her. She knows me best. Sometimes I feel like she knows me better than I know myself. I guess I do miss High School. In a way I do regret not going to my prom...it's a once in a lifetime thing. I'll never get that nite back in my life again. I'm scared of the future. To think where all my friends will end up, Where I'll end up. If we'll all remain friends...or if we'll go our own seperate ways. I know I'll be working, College and of course Marching forever. No matter what I'll cherish them forever. The memories we've made and shared. *sigh* I don't know if I'll be able to hold myself together at Graduation. Quite emotional. Okay..I'm going to sleep now. I'll update soon. Love you all!
 
     

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"These wounds won't seem to heal..."   
11:30pm 29/04/2004
 
mood: depressed
I'm going to put some personal stuff in here. Hope you guys don't mind. Well. I've been a little emotional lately. I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone the other night...in the dark, BFD! right? Well, my dad...being his over-dramatic self, asked who I was talking to and I told him..."Steve" he then shouts out.."You're talking to a guy!?!" what's wrong with that. Well...He goes into his room and he's talking to my mom about me. I decided to listen. I heard him tell my mom..."Damn it Antonia, What I hate the most is what I have!" TeAr! Come on, how's that supposed to make me feel. Ever since then I haven't really been the same. There's something missing...It's Steven. I need him more than he knows. I hope that one day we're deeply in love. I really like him. He means a lot to me. Okay...I'm going to go now. Get some rest because my best friend, Stephanie is performing in the Talent Show tomorrow...and is going to win! *Karma Kap!*...~KnOcK on WoOd!~. Goodnite!
 
     

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Why Me?   
11:32pm 28/04/2004
 
mood: crushed
So, I'm back. From Nationals! like 2 weeks ago. Sorry about that. My mom is really anal about our electricity bill. Computer has been off. Let me tell you about everything that's been going on. At Nationals we bombed! :( Our opening soloist dropped! in front of thousands of people! then another one of our soloist dropped! in front of thousands of people. Too many drops! We got 10th! grrr. Tear! It's all good. This past weekend at WGASC we got gold. Yup, that's right. We peaked! With a final Score of 93.0! Woo-hoo...and we got gold medals too! yay. Steve is being a Raggy Cunt! He can kiss a TwAt for all I care. Grrr! Anywho. I talked to Stef today I love her and miss her. She's going to rock the Talent Show! Go Tit! Love ya! goodnite!
 
     

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*Thump*Thump*Thump*   
10:57am 13/04/2004
 
mood: anxious
Ahhh, It's Nationals! I can't believe it's finally here. The moment I've been waiting for. I remember back in August when it felt so long. Now I'm leaving tomorrow. I'm so excited and afraid at the same time. I don't know what to think. So many other groups have a really large support group and we don't have shit. Geez, that sucks! I guess We'll have to win the crowd over. Especially with our countless high tosses on Rifle and Sabre. And our Diva Flag Feature! with the infamous "BoOtY-ShAkEr!" hehe. Anywho. I'll be leaving tomorrow nite (wednesday) and be returning Sunday night. I'll reply then to let you all know whether or not we medaled. Pheeew! Anywho. Love you all. Talk to you later. Lots Of Love, SteveN!
 
     

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~*Requiem for a Dream*~   
10:56pm 08/04/2004
 
mood: blah
I thought I should write about the movie. It's such a good movie. I thought about it because on Tuesday, Karly, my friend, Noticed that I was excited! Energized, I guess too energized! She asked if I was on Stoppers, (is that the term that was used in the movie?) which is pretty much known as speed. Then she started making fun of me telling me that I was grinding my teeth together and didn't even notice. I'm in love with the song used in the movie. I made Stephanie download it, but she hated it. I love it! There's a colorguard doing a show with music from this movie. "Requiem for a Dream". Anywho. I'm here thinking of life! Aaahh. I dunno. I'm scared for next week. A lot of people don't understand...This ins't a normal competition this is WGI World Championships...There will be over 300 competiting units, over 10000 performers...and an audience of over 8,000 people! I'm so scared. Tickets are SOLD out! Dang. There's over 40 other guard competing against us! They want the gold just as bad as we do, if not, more! So, we gotta get it. Anywho I'm going to go now. Much Love, Steven! I'll be sure to update more often.
 
     

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My Day....   
01:33am 07/04/2004
 
mood: cold
I'm still going to put my poetry in here. I'm just letting everyone know how I'm doing and what I'm up to. I had rehearsal today from 7p.m.-10p.m. Got home and went online. I'm still here. Hehe. I was thinking of Stephanie. She was in the Parade. How much FUN! I wonder how Nancy is doing. I've been dying to see her "Ugly Face". LMAO...Smile, Pretty Girl...No...Come on...Okei! LMAO. Only Stef would know. LOL. Anywho. A little off the subject there. I heard that Ciera was going to San Francisco. I hope she has tons of fun. I haven't been there in about 5 years. Geez. I wonder how Kelsey is doing. I don't know her inside jokes with Ciera, but I read her journal entry and I thought it was great. I laughed. I made a new friend today, Online Buddy. Her name is Amanda. She's in guard. So, she can relate. What a nice Gal. She's funny too. I'm sick of hearing how I'm every "Gay Man's Fantasy" Everyone tells me that becuase I'm freakishly flexible. I have all 3 splits. Some people ask me...There's 3, I thought there were only 1. But yah, there's 3. I can put my legs behind my head...fit my fist in my mouth, ETC! It's annoying. It's not my fault I'm a DaNcEr! I'm going to get into Ballet Classes with Miguel this Fall at GCC. Yay, commmunity colleges. I'm poor, can't afford to go to a University. I'm a procrastinator so I didn't apply for Financial Aid, but shhh...don't tell mom. k? Black Knights alone killed me this year. The tour was $1000. Next year will be $1500. Cuz Finals will be in Dayton, Ohio. As for Steve. We finally told each other how we feel. I don't know if it'll work. I hope it does. He should be moving out on his own again...soon. I hope. He wants me to move in with him. That'll be cool 17 and already out of the house. Out on my own. Knowing my luck it won't happen, right Stef? Only she knows how much God is putting me through. Remember, Tit? Gosh, he's all I think about. He's always telling me how much he likes me. Always calls. Leaves me messages. He told me what he thought of me when he first met me, etc. That I have a beautiful smile, I'm smart, great personality...and ass...LOL. Speaking of ass...Stef, guess what...No, I didn't get LAID! lol...I bought some pants at Anchor Blue...Girl pants and they look good on me! I think. Miguel and Karly told me they did. They were a size 5...but my butt was too big. so I had to get a 6. Not much of a difference...but I squeezed into them. I'm not fat...it's just that it's hard to find pants sometimes. I have a small waist but a kinda big BoTtOm! hehe. I'm a waist 30...but my butt is measured at a 39. yeah, People don't really notice cuz my pants are never tight. But these are. I gotta show you Stef. Okay, that's enought. Probably boring you all. GoodNite!...I hope I dream of Steven.
 
     

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Busy Boi!   
12:56pm 05/04/2004
 
mood: indescribable
I'm so tired! This was one of the longest weekends I've had since the Vegas Regional and the Riverside Regional. Fell asleep past 2 in the morning, had to wake up at 4 cuz CC wanted to go down to Mexico before our competition on saturday nite....The competition, we did well. Not our best, too many drops..but we still kicked butt up against Esperanza de Luz..we scored an 88 and they scored an 84.5 or something. I didn't get to see my Steve! I miss him so much. Didn't make it home after the comp...we got out at 10:30, ate at Denny's for over an hour...had a near 3 hour drive back home...would've got back home at around 3 a.m...so my mom just asked me to sleep over a friends house instead. Yay, Miguel! Practice the next day from 2:pm-10:30pm. Ugh! Nationals are 2 weeks away, though! We're ranked 3rd or 4th in all of the world in Independent Open. A lot of people are telling us that we're going to medal. I hope. See ya later.
 
     

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One of my poems...."Don't cry".   
11:18pm 01/04/2004
 
mood: lonely
Don't cry little boy, you must know that you were at fault for his actions.

Don't cry little boy, defending yourself will only cause you grief.

Don't cry little boy, fighting back will only make things worse.

Don't cry little boy, It's pretty obvious that I won't defend you.

Don't cry little boy, the beating will be over very soon, you'll see.

Don't cry little boy, all the bruzes and cuts will eventually heal.

Don't cry little boy, you must remember not to let it happen again.

Don't cry little boy, tomorrow is a whole new day.

Don't cry little boy, Don't cry.
 
     

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Hangin' out with 40 year old! LMAO! jk...With Stef!   
03:53pm 29/03/2004
 
mood: content
I spent the day with Stephanie. I miss the old days when we would hang out everyday at Burger King. I'd sit there and watch her eat 300 pounds of Chicken Tenders! LMAO, Nah. She's great. Stef, I can't believe how much you like her. She sounds so amazing. I hope this one works out. Unlike...Ribbon in the SKY! what a dumb ass. Anywho. Hope you enjoyed my company as much as I enjoyed yours! Muah! Love you.
 
     

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Does the Devil have wings?   
11:37pm 25/03/2004
 
mood: artistic
Will I ever run out of tears?
How much more can my heart take?
The urge to end it all.
Why does everyone stop me?
Let me go...Things will be much better, you'll see.
Oh, the screaming and mournings of my soul.
Self-destruction, what a wonderful relief.
I hide in and wait until I can't here a single whisper.
Shivering as I make the next step.
My dark and mysterious eyes begging for help,
having not slept for days at a time.
Let me see my reflection,
Make me see what I don't want to see...
Reality and its great misfortunes!!!
I admit there are times where I wish I couldn't see...
see my tired hand reach out,
reach out for that old rusty razor blade,
the old rusty razor blade that's been hiding under the sink for god knows how long!
I know it's a temperary relief, but it's a lifetime of regret.
Tears running down the side of my face as I slowly place the razor upon my wrist.
Breath deep I say,
exhale and slowy drag it across your vains--That's better!
Finally, those dreadful demons exiting my wounds.
Now cry yourself to sleep.
 
     

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Torn!   
04:20pm 22/03/2004
 
mood: confused
I tend to write song lyrics in everything I write so...if I don't make sense, too bad. I've been here all day thinking...about life, the past, love, my friends and where they're going in life. I feel so hollow today. Everything feels...Ugh, I don't know. I confuse myself. I got home last nite from rehearsal, with all the energy drained out of me...then the phone rang. I wasn't going to pick it up, but something told me that there was something on the other side that would make me feel a lot better, make me feel wanted and cared for. Sure enough my consious was right. I was him. He called. Something about his dark, raspy, tamed voice really puts me at place. His words make me think..there's a special connection between us. No one knows about us. He's a mutual friend. It should be left at that. But somethings pushing me further and it's pusing him too. I can feel it. I think I have a psychic intuition (istuition..lol) It's really freaky at times. I know what words will come next. I'm scared to get closer. It's pretty much forbidden. The thought of it makes me really upset. No one wants us to conversate in any way, see each other, you name it. It's kinda like Romeo and Juliet..or should I say Romeo and Jullian. Hehe. We're being torn apart from two totally different sides. But why are they pulling me away from him? He see's it as well. Why is everything a big secret? I'm tired of it. I don't want to care what others think...but I do. I don't know what to do. I don't think I'm strong enough. I think I'll call him right now. Funny thing is that his name is Steve. LOL. I know, that's a bit wierd. He called me at 10:30 last night and I got off the phone with him at 2:45 a.m. It felt like we talked for a little. Boy, time sure fly's by when you're having fun. Okay. I'm going to go now. I hope she calls. She said she would. I should call too. But I don't know her schedule. I don't know whether she's busy with school, at her aunts house or what not. Call me. I'll be waiting. I miss her. Stephanie is my best friend I feel like I'm letting her down. I hope I'm not. She means the world to me. I'd be lost without her. I love her and always will.
 
     

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Unexpected message   
12:51am 21/03/2004
 
mood: pessimistic
I've been in some drama lately...God knows how bad I hate it! I've been trying to get out of it a.s.a.p. it doesn't seem to work. Grrr...My instructor left me a message on my yahoo ID, what a jerk-off. He chewed me out for no reason. Anywho, I'm not going to talk about that. We were supposed to perform today as an exhibition for other performance ensembles. It was cancelled...My friends and I decided to go to the beach instead. Geez, the water was extremly cold! Brrr...It was fun. I've been writing some poetry lately, it relieves me in ways other things can't. Stephanie and Kelsey made my night. I wasn't looking forward to coming home. Once I checked my Live Journal I saw their replies! Yay. How are ya, Kelsey? Steph, I miss you. And since I don't know sh*t about LiveJournal, nor how to make my page look as creative as the both of you. I have a new love interest. I've been trying to tell Stephanie about this..but she decided not to call me back! *tear* jk, I understand. Man, you should see the bags underneath my eyes. I can't sleep. My mother thinks I'm on drugs. Just cuz most of my friends do Crystal doesn't mean I'm doing it or trying it for that matter. I'm fine the way I am. How's grandma, Steph? and how's Cierra, Kelsey? tell them both I said "Hola" not HOLLA! I hate that word! Okie Dokie. I'm going to get going now. I'll probably try to get some rest. Good Night! Love, Me!
 
     

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Vampire   
12:02am 16/03/2004
 
mood: restless
I swear! I've been having the hardest time falling asleep lately! I seriously sleep during the day and stay up all nite! Geez. I really miss her...Should I give her a call? Is she busy? Is there always tomorrow? OMG, I want to tell her about my weekend and how F*cked up it was. Mixed Signals! I hate them.
 
     

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